Friday, 14 October 2005

Never Ever Ever

Headrush, a shot of ice into my veins
I see you standing across the street
So vibrant, so alive
And that’s all I wish for everyday
That you would be here, doing your thing
That we would be living out our lives
On the same plane of existence, breathing the same air
I step in the door, call your name
The sound dies on my lips
For you are not there to answer
Not now, not anymore, not ever
This is something I should get used to
This is something that should be old hat by now
Why can’t I learn not to want you, not to miss you;
Am I stupid, slow, a fool, an imbecile?

Headrush, a shot of ice up my nostrils
Drowning, the realisation hits me
You’re never going to be here, and I can’t make it possible
No prayers, no dreams, no bargains, no sacrifices
Can make you come back, live again, at our side
Gasping for air, I can’t breathe, cannot accept this
That the sun should rise, but you won’t
That the clouds dance in the blue sky
That the tall grasses billow in the wind
And that life should go on so normally, so continuously
Yet you are not here anymore to see it with me
To live through it with me, to be by my side
Am I being selfish, wanting you back; needing you here?
They all say that it was best you went, with no more suffering
But why should there have been suffering in the first place?

Headrush, a shot of ice arrows up my heart
You who were so loved- you who were so needed;
Someone so precious to everyone around her
Someone so treasured by everyone who knew her
What is this game that the universe plays out
To take the good, and leave the evil
To take the wanted, and abandon the unwanted;
Can someone make sense of our illogical universe?
And ask it to get a grip?
I stand here, looking at your desk, at your careful scrawl
Bundles of note-paper stacked together, books underlined
Pens still in their holders, a wine glass with a beloved lip-print
The six stages of grief can never pass
Because I cannot accept, I cannot move on, I cannot let go
And I sit here in my bottomless pit of grief, anger and rage

Headrush, a shot of ice pierces my nerves
I cross the street, and hear a familiar voice
The truck blares its horn, and yet I pause, look around,
To see if it’s you speaking, if it’s you laughing so heartily
And my heart grows more scar tissue
When I realise that it was only a voice from my memory
Carried through the winds of my grief, mocking me
I hop across the road over to the kerb
And glare violently at the woman who dared to laugh like you
All day long, I move about in a funk of grief and insoluble pain
Hurt at your sudden going-away, the indescribable feelings of misery
That when I try to explain it here
Only succeeds in making me sound incredibly corny and clichéd.
I guess you can’t understand grief until it happens to you
But then again, I wouldn’t want to wish this on my worst enemy.

Headrush, a shot of ice to the soul
What else is there left to do now? I stand here, a forgotten shell
Oh no, here we go: More clichés; more inevitable corniness
I’m just going to stop here; I don’t need to explain it to any of you
I don’t need to make any of you understand either since I can’t
I just need to get past all these feelings that I cannot handle
Denial – Disbelief – Fear - Shock - Anger - Insanity
Rage – Hatred - Misery - Grief – Sorrow
Or it will have to be one- last- final-
Headrush, an icy gunshot to the head
And then I would have really done it this time
No more eternity, No more seeing you on the other side
As I would have booked myself a one-way ticket into the abyss
Now that’s just great isn’t it? What are my alternatives?
A life of misery, sorrow and rage?

Anne Varghese (2005)

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