Saturday, 13 November 2004

Alone With My Thoughts

I was injured in a car accident early in the week. All because of the stupid reckless driving of the office chauffeur who was assigned to me for my work appointments on Tuesday . I am now laid up at home with torn ligaments in my left shoulder, left arm, left knee and left ankle.

I wish my mom were here. She'd put it all right with just a loving look and some warm maternal hugs. She used to shower me with lots of extra care whenever I had fallen ill. I hope she is a powerful angel in heaven, and can send down some lightning bolts to fry the idiot's arse for his sheer incompetence. I can just see him frying to a crisp right now.

I miss my mom... so much.... and even more now I miss her. It's like she's died all over again and the thought of another Christmas without her makes me so miserable.

Though I had a great relationship with her, in retrospect I often regret all those little moments we spent disagreeing and arguing about things that now seem mundane and unimportant.

I wish I could just have another five minutes with her. I want to tell her again how much I love her. How much I miss her. How much I want her back. I'm sure she knows, but I just need to say it. I just need to see her one more time.

So badly. Do. I. Need. To. See. Her.

Oh mom darling, with the cute dimpled cheeks and curly dark brown hair. Is there any way I can barter my life for yours?

I'm sure Dad would be so so happy to have his Lady Love back. The world ended for him when she died. I see his sorrow, his alone-ness, his solitude, and my heart breaks into a thousand million pieces.

Barter (Come Back and Live)

Come back and Live, I'll die for you
Don't die and leave, I'll do anything you want me to
I'm sorry I shouted, I'm sorry I yelled
My love have you doubted; this grief I can't quell
My love so true, can I give my life for you?

Is this my punishment? O don't be cruel
I hate this abandonment: Did your love for me cool?

Come back and live, I'll die for you
Barter with God, My life for you
I tried to save you; Block Death's Scythe
Take the blow for you, I want to die for you
Come back and live, I'll die for you

It's no sacrifice; Without you my heart's ice
Hear my prayer; What do you say, O Lord?

Please, give me the time of day, O God
Darling, don't leave in haste, I'll take your place
Come back and live... I'll die, I'll die for you
Barter with God...
I'll die, I'll die for you

Anne Varghese (c) 1999, 2001

I Miss Her So Much

Well, what do you think?
I would sell my soul to get her back
I would do anything

Just tell me.
What do I do to get her back? Sigh...
I know it's impossible

I regret my smartassness
My cheekiness that shocked her silent
My cockiness that hurt her at times, made her laugh at times

Mom, I take it all back
If I could barter my life for yours I would
If I could sell my soul to bring you back I would

I'm sorry if I ever hurt you
I'm sorry for being a stupid rebellious kid
I'm sorry for acting like I was all that

For being a smarmy teenager
For being a little miss know-it-all who took no advice and listened to no one
For being the young adult who thought she owned the world

All of you who still have your your mom, your dad
Treasure them
Because when they're gone the pain is unbelievable

Hindsight is 20:20, the bloody damn thing
And when your parents are gone
You'll realise all the things that they did for you out of love, care and concern

Whether appropriate or not, whether misguided or not, whether perfect or not
It was all done out of love when they grounded you
When they yelled at you for fear that you would be repeating their mistakes

Or making whole new horrible mistakes
The nightmares, the horrors, the sorrows that kept them awake at night
crying silent tears for the hardness of the world that you insisted on finding out for yourself

When they hoped and dreamed of your success and provided for your future
When they bought you new things
that you did not need but wanted

When they helped pay for your first car, when you could not afford it on your own
When they got you out of trouble
Instead of leaving you to face the music on your own

Let's not forget the fact that they gave birth to you
Not aborting you because they did not want to be responsible for another life-form
Not killing you even before you became sentient

But safely bringing you into this world
And not letting you die through neglect and starvation
Sticking around for you to grow up and be independent of them

Loving you in spite of all the shit you put them through
Disagreeing with you, arguing with you, disciplining you though it hurt them to fight with you
But they had to do it because they wanted what was best for you

Not killing you even though you were an ungrateful little wretch at times, such a cocky brat
Not dumping you even though you did all sorts of crazy, rebellious and nonsensical things
Giving you the last serving of Butter Pecan Icecream even though they were dying for a taste

Trying their best
Even though they were fallible and had no experience nor training
At looking after someone else, a new life, a child

Just human beings making their way in this maze of life
In this screwed up world where instant gratification is always sought
Where responsibility is hard and doing your duty is difficult

Here's to parents everywhere who take the long hard road of child-rearing
And the fact that you did not die at childhood or become a chainsaw-axe murderer
Shows that they must have done something right at least

The fact that they have such a wonderful beautiful son or daughter
Who cares for others, cares for the environment, cares for friends and loved ones
Shows that they did not really screw up after all

Though that was their one fear all the time
That they did not know what the hell they were doing
But went on anyway trying their best

So forgive them if they're less than perfect
And if they act out their insecurities and fears
Just tell them you love them

And remember that you WILL miss them terribly when they're dead
For chances are, they WILL die before you, being older
And when they're dead it will hit you full in the face: THEY'RE GONE!!!

And then only... Then only
Fucking (Sorry mom! Excuse the language!!) Hindsight
Hindsight, that toothless, poison-wielding, dagger-thrusting old fucking Hag

Will provide you with glorious 20:20 vision
And when your heart is broken at their death
And you miss them so much you can't believe they're dead

That's when the Old Fucking Hag Of Hindsight will rub salt into your wounds
And serve up to you on a silver platter all your misdeeds
All the times you were rude, rebellious, difficult, contrary and annoying

And though there were definitely happy times
And lots of glorious times
And though the happiness outweighed the grief

All you'll remember for a long time after they're dead
Is how you did not cherish them
As much as you could have when they were around

And how you were nasty, mean and rude, coldly stubborn and indifferent at times
To the people who loved you unconditionally
And all you'll remember for a long time after they've left

Is how pointless the fights, yellings, disagreements and recriminations were
And how you'll feel bone-guilty for every single rude comment and heartless gesture
That last annoying retort you made to them which you thought was absolutely spot-on

I'm sorry mom for all the times I hurt you by thought, word, action or inaction
I'll always love you for everything you did, for everything you were and are to me
I always loved you, even when I was indifferently callous and disagreeable

I miss you so much I feel like cutting my heart out, scratching my eyeballs out
I love you so much I don't think I can open my heart up to the pain of such loss again
I have tried bartering with God, but he does not seem to hear me

He ignores me
He punishes me
He sends the Old Fucking Hag Of Hindsight to torment and torture me

For you're still dead
Your body buried under earth, sand and rock
And there's nothing I can do about it

Anne Varghese (c) 2004

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