Sunday, 3 October 2004

Deja vu Disappearances

I always have this feeling that I am missing something...that somehow, somewhere else is where I am meant to be.

And that this life that I am living is not really mine. Is not really real.

What does this mean? I don't know.

How I should react to these feelings of doubt, of unknown longings, of puzzlement in my life's direction, is just another enigma for me to work through.

I suppose you could say that I am 20 years too young to be having a midlife crisis. But what am I to do with all these feelings, that all is not as it should be. That there should be something more. Something more meaningful.

Job-hopping. Friend-hopping. Love-hopping. This should not be happening. When I was 14, I had a plan. The plan was to be successful and settled in life by the time I turn 25.

That age has come and gone. You could say I am up-and-coming. Definitely on the road to success. But not successful yet. And the exact opposite of being settled in life.

My mind still roves to the open fields.
My heart has that wanderlust.
And my feet are itchy.

I just want to pack up all my belongings. Put it in my backpack. And go travelling to the farthest corners of nowhere. To the end of Timbuktoo and the furthest reaches of the Amazonian jungles.

I want to look upon the face of Mother Earth
I want to explore all her nooks and crannies
I want to see where civilisation ends and the jungles begin
I want to put my hand into the Black Sea
I want to touch the Tower of Babel
I want to see the Hanging Gardens of Babylon
Walk into the pyramids of Giza
I want to see a pygmy fight a watussi and win
Sit on the edge of the Grand Canyon and watch the dust fly
Watch the dolphins play off Hanauma Bay
Skydive out of a plane
Crest a wave
Swim into the eye of the storm
Bungy off the world's highest cliffs and craggiest peaks

...

I just want to disappear off the face of the earth

...

No more responsibilities. No more burdens. No more communication. No more society. No more ps and qs.

I want to fall off this backfiring jalopy called 'civilisation'
I want to set fire to this creaky wheelbarrow called 'society and conscience'
I want to be wild, wanton and free
I want to be Jane of the Jungle...


Am I losing my mind???

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