Saturday, 28 April 2007

Surrounded, Yet Alone

Feeling slightly annoyed for some reason. Despite being surrounded by so many people and having so many things to do and places to go, I feel so jaded, so bored, so ‘been there, done that’ that I need a change.

I thought I could stay home this weekend, but I ended up going out with Mr Hong Kong for brunch and then he insisted on driving to Penang for some char koay teow, and to show me his new bachelor pad on Penang Island. A very beautiful townhouse facing the sea. The place gave me the shivers because I was thinking of tsunamis. Mr Hong Kong got quite annoyed that I was such a party-pooper. But seriously. His house looks like it's made entirely of glass!

Mr Hong Kong is also very quickly wearing out his welcome by constantly making me be an Action Queen. So far the past 4 weekends have gone by in a blur, with us doing all sorts of sporty fun things like go-kart racing, car racing, parasailing, white-water rafting, white-water canoeing, body surfing, sky jumping(he went for this, I could not because I had work, thank God), salsa, snogging(am trying to distance myself from him but it's not really working), when all I want to do is to curl into a corner at home with my book, a cup of hot chocolate, the air-conditioning and some nice warm thick blankets to get me through the sexily rainy weekends. Instead what I have now are some bruised ribs from falling into the Pahang River twice, and from Mr Hong Kong's slightly enthusiastic white water rafting on Level 3 Rapids at the aforementioned river.

I don’t seem to have any more good friends whom I can hang out with just to unwind and have a coffee with as all of them are newly dating, or newly married, or just leapfrogging into new careers so everyone is pretty much too busy to stop and smell the roses with me (not to say that I have so much free time to stop and smell the roses either!) and added to that our schedules are always clashing so that when I'm free they're not, and vice-versa.

I don’t really want to ask my poor abused workmates to hang out with me on the weekend too much because I see them all week, and I am sure they feel the same way, at least a little bit, as they see my ugly mug all week too! We just want to distance ourselves from the office when we are on our weekend!

I have stopped hanging out with the most darling brother and sister-in-law too for a while as, both of them though extremely loved and lovable and sweet and kind and wonderful and all the marvellously marvellous superlatives you can possibly think of, also however have the very excruciatingly disturbing habit of answering each other’s phone messages and calls. It has come to the stage where I don’t know if I am messaging my dear brother or my dear sister-in-law when I send out smses to either of them. It gets tiring.

Where does it say that when you get married all bets are off and nothing that involves others is private anymore? What if I have something confidential to tell my brother? What if I have something secret to share with my sister-in-law? This is nonsense to the nth degree, people, PLEASE ANSWER your own phone and reply personally to text messages sent to you (and don’t make/let your spouse do it anonymously for you, because we recognise and can decipher your individual writing styles!) if not get a joint phone line, why bother having your own phone!! Tell me, my married friends, are you guilty of this syndrome as well? The 2become1 Syndrome is what I call it. Brrrr! Very scary to be married then!!

So what to do? Hang out with the other friends of the moment? Or call up some old friends? Or see some ex-workmates for coffee and a chat? Call up some current workmates? Call up some cousins for a movie and dinner? Go out with some old flames? Rekindle in them some hope of a get-together or reconciliation? Or start looking for a new Mr Right as a future lobster?

It’s so tiring being an adult in today’s world. I wonder how the kids of today are taking it. I only recently admitted to myself that I am an adult, and the world is freaking me out these days.

Mr Hong Kong again asked me to marry him today. I said no. This is the 5th time the cute boy has asked me and the 5th time I have said no. He does not seem to get the message that I am not looking to get married at this point in my life. Or maybe it's him. I don't know. Maybe it's because he does not fit my idea of the ideal man for me. Should I just give up my ideals and say yes? Is this what being stuck in a romantic rut feels like? Should I cut the strings and run? Is my lobster really out there? Do I want a lobster in the first place? Can I handle the commitment and the scary responsiblity of being 1/2 of the 2become1 Phenomena? Maybe love is not meant to come with fireworks and electricity. Maybe it's supposed to be just 2 people deciding to be together? This is difficult.

Isn't it worrying that he's more into me than I am into him? He's just not my lobster. He may be my chemical romance, but lobster he is not, and this saddens the both of us. Maybe he is satisfied to be my little pet for now, but definitely he should realise that he is no lobster. It's not fair to him and this is why I cannot say yes. Even though the season of him being my pet 'for now' has been going on for the past 3 years.

Ow, my head hurts with all the thinking. Work has got me so tired that I can't even think of sorting out personal issues.

This may be why I am annoyed.
My brain is fried. And I suck at commitments and relationships.
Even though I know I am a nice girl inside. And on the outside.

I am so annoyed with myself.

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