I am evil and will burn in hell in spite of all my reasonings that
a) there is no hell in the literal sense
b) he had it coming to him
c) it was self-defence and twenty years of emotional abuse
d) he had it coming to him
e) I was justified as it was a reflex action when I hit him
Actually, that last one is a lie. I hit him with all of the strength of my youth, with all the righteous indignation of a person abused one too many times, with all the defiant exuberance of a woman in her prime who has decided not to take anymore shit from ANYONE!
Even if he is an elderly uncle/godfather who might have only been goofing off all these years and not being intentionally mean.
Why don't you, Dear Reader, and you, Dear Diary... judge me. Let's go through just a few of his (and his family's) goofs and mean comments which they clothed as jokes, barbs, asides and slapstick humour and then tell me if I am going to burn in hell or if women everywhere will decide to throw rose petals at me as I walk on by:-
1. Telling his kids to call me fat (Me aged ten, cousins aged 7 and 5)
Cousin: "You're so fat you should not leave the house."
Me: "Why not? I'm not fat. I'm bigsized. Do you mean all the big kids have to stay home?"
Cousin: " Yes, you're too fat, my daddy says. He says you are a swine."
Me: [Shocked silence]
2. Calling me names the moment my family drives up to his house and we get out of the car. (Me aged 13)
Uncle: "Oh my God, you are so fat. [Pinches my arm] What happened? Did you eat all the food at home? Your brother looks like a drainpipe, he's so thin." [Slaps my brother hard, on his back]
Me: Polite laugh [As my parents taught me, in our society, you're not supposed to be rude to your elders, not even when they're bloody friggin' idiots]
3. Training his kids to do the same (Me aged 16)
Cousin: "Hey hey, Cholestrol Queen how you doin'?" [Comes over and pinches my stomach]
Me: Polite laugh [As my parents taught me, in our society, you're not supposed to be nasty to your kid siblings or cousins, not even when they're bloody friggin' idiots, as you're supposed to be more mature and the bigger (sic) person. ]
4. He and kids are on a roll (sic) with nasty comments (Me aged 17+)
Uncle: "Your cousin, who is as fat as ever, is here. Make way for her or she can't enter the door." [Slams my back hard with his fist. It hurt like hell.]
Uncle: "Look at her backside. It's like a whale's one." [Slaps my butt]
Me: [Evasively stepping out of the way of the hit zone and keeping silent]
5. On a visit some years ago to the extended family after a long period away (Me aged 22+)
Cousin: "How can you stand to be alive, you're so fat and ugly. Actually you're not ugly. You have a beautiful face. Just spoilt by that ugly thing you use as a body."
Uncle: "You should not even leave the house. Just stay home, don't eat anything. Exercise. If you're hungry, just have half a cracker and some chinese tea. That's how Aunty and Cousins stay thin. If you're fat nobody will like you want to be seen with you, you know." [Pinches my arm and slams my back hard with his fist. It hurt like hell.]
[The whole family then proceeds to talk about my weight problem and how this happened. I wasn't really that huge in high school, plump maybe. I was a size 12 then and was about 5'4". Now I am a size 18 and 5'6". So yes, I'm round, I'm rotund, I'm roly poly, I'm rubenesque. But it never seems to bother me or even cross my mind that I am well-endowed, until I meet up with the extended family. They seem to have a fixation on size. Probably because none of them have brains or emotional IQ. No wonder I avoid them all.]
6. Last year. (Me aged 28]
Uncle: "Beeep. Beeep. Beeep. Beeep." [Making truck backing-up noises with his mouth. Laughs at his own joke.]
Me: "Very funny uncle." [Muttering swearwords under my breath. Respect for elders be darned! I am a 28 year old lady and I deserve some bloody respect as well.]
7. Last week. [Me aged 30. Uncle aged 56]
Me: "Hi everyone!"
Uncle: "Oh so you're still the same size? So fat. [Pinches arm] Never lost any weight? Still the same big size?" [Rubs my arm]
Me: "Well, you're not so hot yourself. All wrinkled and dried up like a prune."
Uncle: "At least I'm not fat." [Slams my back hard with his fist. It hurt like hell.]
Me: [I slap him back on the left shoulder with all of the strength of my youth, with all the righteous indignation of a person abused one too many times, with all the defiant exuberance of a woman in her prime who has decided not to take anymore shit from ANYONE!]
Me: "Now you know what that feels like!"
Despite the numerous times the above scenarios have played out each time I meet the extended family now I feel like a messed up uncle hitter. Godfather- abuser.
Despite the justification. Despite the secret joy and righteous indignation!
But still, I feel guilty.
I hit my uncle. What's next?
He deserved it.
I should have whacked HARDER!
I'm going to hell.
Why should I have this extremely well-developed sense of guilt, when the useless people I know or have the misfortune to be related to, have none?
Dear Reader, Dear Diary, you be the judge.