Friday, 22 October 2004

Diary Of My Thoughts (Part 1)

12.34pm 20.10.2004
Half-second thoughts

Here I sit at my office table. I am drafting my interview questions for my first interview.
Is it possible to think deep thoughts and then get thrown off by perfectly mundane issues, for example:

1. Should I get a belly button ring?
2. Should I get a stud in my tongue?
3. Should I call on the people upstairs when I get home tonight and ask them to stop bonking each other so friggin loudly? I can't sleep properly at night.
4. Should I attempt to switch on my brain filter in permanent mode so that I stop pissing people off with my candid words of truth and horror?
5. Should I become a nun?
6. Is God there? What religion is he? (This would take up the whole blog, methinks)
7. I realise that my ass hurts. Why does my ass hurt? I don't know. (No jokes please, or Else...)
8. Why does it rain the moment I wash my car? It's so bloody annoying.
9. How come people don't know how to take NO for an answer? How many times do I have to tell them off? No Means No. NO MEANS NO.
10. Will I have to tell that obnoxious person off or can s/he please get hit by the lightning strikes of self-awareness and self-reproachment?

2.23pm 20/10/2004
Brain Filters

I had an epiphany of epiphanies last night. This is all it takes to get along with someone all the time:-

1. Don't say anything you'd regret later
2. Don't say anything you wouldn't want said to you
3. Be nice when you want to be nasty and mean
4. Let go of all your baser instincts to stoop to their level
5. Switch on the bloody brain filter and keep it bloody on, even when you lose your cool.

The thing is, having the personality that was given to me, the above just makes me feel like a two-faced bitch. What's wrong with saying what you feel, with saying it like you see it in the heat of the moment, or during any moment at all?

I mean if you have to disagree about something, or have a falling out with someone, it's so much easier to just not have to filter your thoughts. It's just too much work trying to keep straight what should be said and what should not.

If I can't tell you what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, then the friendship/relationship that we have isn't worth bloody much is it?

7.29pm 20/10/2004
Building bridges.

How do you build a bridge on quicksand? How do you build bridges in the air?
Once the relationship/friendship has been shot to hell by my lack of a brain filter, what should I do?

Maybe the answer is, to just continue being myself: Continue being brash, brain filterless, loud, cheeky, irreverent, a toilet mouth and all that, but also kind, softhearted, loving, honest, loyal, trustworthy and a friend to the end. Maybe that would work. Agree, much?

Because if you can't be yourself, what else are you supposed to be???

I had a falling out with a loved one in 2002. It is only these past 2 weeks that our relationship is slowly being mended. How? Through the obvious fact that though everything has been shot to hell and back, the loyalty we owed each other never wavered. The trust and loyalty never got sacrificed, even though we were both pretty pissed with each other.

One, for the fact that he thought she was a heartless bitch of a slave-driver.
The other, for the fact that she thought he didn't know how to stand up and shoulder responsibility and the burdens of adulthood.

But when push came to shove, he was there for her.
And when the shit finally hit the fan, she backed him up (LOL... ew, the puns .... are SO not intended) and stood behind him.

Loyalty. Trust. Unconditional Love.
Maybe the above will negate the brain-filterlessness.

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