Just A Freaky Loony Bunny Pot

I. Just a Freak

You know, I changed my mind about you several times
You're not what I thought you were, you putz
First I thought of you as silently monotonous, a melancholic dull introverted loner
Always standing too close for comfort, crowding me, making me want to kick you in the head and rub your nose in the mud
Annoyingly breaching my personal space, your Armani cologne making me gag
Making me want to hiss at you to stop selling yourself to me
'cause I damn near ain't buying what you're giving

Then one day, I realised something, that annoying putz was not you at all
Suddenly of all things, for some strange bloody reason, the scales fell off my eyes
And I saw that you are so much more, the exact opposite of gag-annoying
Gregarious, jolly, a mischievous prankster, a funny man to funnymen
Intrepid explorer, Consummate go-getter
Mountain-hiking guru, White-water rafting enthusiast
A man of all seasons, a man for all seasons!
A manly man for me!

Why didn't I see this before I turned you from a fiend into a friend?
For a while the thought of thinking of you as anything else
Made me cringe and cower, made me wanna go and hide my face
And the moment I liked you back, my toes curled, my fears burnt rubber
I thought I was gonna fry to a crispy piece of carbonised bacon
In the melodramatic fires of Dante's seventh level of hell
Or at least something just as bad
When the Bookie upstairs calls my number

II. Fluffy Bunny vs Loony Pot (Round 730)

How can you like me, how can you want me?
When I'm just a freak?
Just a freak, just a lunatic fig on the fringes of society, not knowing how to be anything else?
How can you like me, you sillywillynitwittynutty boy?
When I'm an insecure fluffy bunny one second
And a jaded, world-weary hard-arsed loony pot the next
Looking for my next fix, a shot, an adrenalin rush, anything to make the world worth it
Anything to make life worth living

How can you love me, Danny boy?
So scared it shocks me senseless (says the Fluffy Bunny idjit from her closet)
So scared I'll lose you... or even worse... not love you anymore at all
But wait a minute, hold on a sec', maybe not, there are other fish in the sea, bigger, fatter, brainier, brighter, shinier fish that want to be wanted and are looking for me!
And frankly me dear
Perhaps I don't give a frigging toss either way
(That's Loony Pot on the line, there)

When are you going to come back from Hong Kong?
You better git your arse back here soon where I can see it, or it's curtains for ya, you fink
Who do you think you are, you ignorant schmuck of an excuse for a boyfriend?
To leave me here all by my lonesome ownsome??? (Loony Pot's alive and kickin')
When I see you, I'm gonna kick your arse all the way into next week (Loony Pot's bitchin' mad, guns all loaded, C-4 all packed)
Or maybe we go for dinner lar
And catch up, talk about all that we've missed (there's the stupid bunny coming out again)

Don't you miss me at all, Danny Boy?
How can I live without you day by day, are you shagging someone there?
How long do you expect me to stay in this wretched farce of a long distance love affair
I hate to tell you this, but honey boy, it isn't going anywhere! (Fluffy Bunny stands desolately, silently, resolutely, in the heavy pouring rain)
I'm going to start tellin' people I'm single
In fact... I already have!
So screw you! Bloody sod. (oh no, a metamorphosis, a Freaky Loony Bunny Pot)

Friggin' tosser.
Git!!
(Loony Pot wins this round)



Anne Varghese (2006)