Friday, 15 December 2006

The Food Wagon, Overturned, In Flames

I fell off the Montignac food wagon.
What the hey' you say?

Well. It's like this. I have been on the Montignac Diet since bluidy friggin April 2006. This means no refined carbs. No soft drinks. No excessive salts. No excessive sugar. No excessive fats. No highly processed foods. No foods with a high glycaemic index, and this apparently is not supposed to be a diet, but a way of life, a new way of eating.

Until this week. When I realised Christmas is nearing...And that I survived the year. So I royally fell off the food wagon, nay, clear overturned the damn thing, then burnt it up, and ate every single darn thing in sight.

I realised this only when my office forced me to attend a mental health training seminar run by Doctors Without Borders.

I attended the darn thing (which was actually pretty good as it unearthed the fact that all of us at the office have had dangerously high levels of stress all year and that we were close to breaking point)and I found that I had all the signs of someone who was about to be slingshot around the lunatic bend (think of the movie Armageddon, and how the space shuttles had to slingshoot around the moon to land on the asteroid).

Seeing as how a professional had pronounced this, I then decided to relax and enjoy myself. So I told myself I would give myself I break from the bloody diet and partake of all the baked goods set out for breakfast, morning tea, lunch, and afternoon tea.

Tangential thought:- Why do they always provide so much food at conferences? Do they want to drug us so that we don't ask annoying questions? Do they want to ensure we stay till the end so that we can eat all the food? Do they think that training seminars are such hard work that we constantly need fuel poured through our pie-holes?

Anyway, because I pigged out at the two day training conference on wednesday and thursday, I let go totally and also pigged out today. The horrifying thing is, the things I have eaten these past 3 days, all have their GI indexes breaking the Diet barriers, which is something like breaking the sound barriers, as youse should be hearing my pants and trousers pop their buttons and garters in a mo' with the sheer fatness of my being. I swear, I have put on at least 3 pounds in these 3 days.

Anyway, here's what I ate:-
(Sing to me- I'm a Pig, I'm a Pig, 3x.. tune: "Deck the Halls")

Wednesday 13 December 2006
1. Blueberry truffle breadpudding (2 pcs)
2. A bowl of kway teow
3. Smoked Salmon- 1 slice
4. Smoked tuna- 1 slice
4. Feta cheese- 1 chunk
5. Emmental cheese- 1 slice
6. Chicken devil curry- 4 pcs
7. White rice!- 1 serving
8. Roasted potatoes- 4 pcs
9. Cheesecake, (4 pcs)
10. Chocolate Cake, (2 pcs)
11. Bread pudding, (3 pcs)
12. A baguette slice
13. Papaya slices
14. Watermelon slices

Thursday 14 December 2006
15. Cheesecake (2 pcs)
16. 10 tuna puffs
17. Kuih lapis( 2 pcs)
18. Seri Muka (2 pcs)
19. Yam kuih (1 pc)
20. Yong chow fried white(!) rice- 1.5 bowls
21. Fried fish- 2 slices
22. Sesame chicken- 4 pcs
23. Braised vegetables
24. Watermelon slices
25. Papaya slices
26. Honeydew slices
27. Lots n lots of tea
28. 2 Turkey sandwiches

Today, Friday 15 December 2006
The seminar had ended yesterday, but I bought baked goods for those colleagues who missed yesterday's training, and then, horror of horrors I stuffed the face of me, with a cheese tart and a most sinful number of doughnuts. I managed howvever to avoid eating the chocolate balls I had bought...small consolation, but I was the engineer of mine own downfall when I decided to fall off the food wagon, and then overturn it completely onto its head..

The Horrors continue...
29. Blueberry Cheese-tart (1 pc)
30. Doughnuts (5 pcs) !!! My God!
31. Chicken noodles (rice noodles!)
32. Mango and sticky rice (pulut rice, no less!)
33. Coke (1 tall glass) (Completely proscripted under the Diet!!!)
34. Tuna and cheese sandwiches (2 pcs)
35. Butter bun (1 pc)
36. Fruit cake (1 slice)
37. Blueberry yoghurt (lo-fat, hi-cal), (1 tub)

Backtrack to Tuesday 12 December 2006:-
And now let me confess, I also brought baked goods to work on Tuesday 12 December 2006, as I had a migraine and came late to work. I had to go to the ophthalmologist and get some new glasses done quikstep pronto, so I only got in to work at 10.30am. I stopped by the baker's and bought cheese tarts, egg tarts and doughnuts, however I did not eat any cheese tarts or egg tarts. I had one doughnut.

Not such a major infraction, but I had to confess my sins to the Almighty Web here, as my friends and mine inner piglets are watching (Yes, the inner pig musta given birth to little piglets, no wonder it's eating so much) ;-P
The inner pig managed to make me eat,

36. Doughnut (1 pc)
37. Egg tart (1 pc) Sorry, I confess that I was in denial. I DID HAVE one egg tart.

But no cheese tarts. I did go, to the cakebox I had kept on the meeting table in the centre of our office to snarf some blueberry cheesy goodness, but while I was struggling manfully, let's be more politically correct, while I was struggling most personfully, with my inner pig and piglets, the blueberry gooey cheesetarts, luckily for me and the piglets, after some 3 hours,had all been eaten. The Pig already had a doughnut and an egg tart and was satisfied. The piglets got to eat on Wednesday and Thursday. So everyone was happy. Including me. Except for the guilt complex that was now the size of a Dunlop Blimp. Or the Michelin Man. It's a toss-up between the two:P

And tomorrow one of my much beloved buddies is having a potluck BBQ party. Eek. What shall I do, what shall I do??? Should I right the overturned cart, get into it, and firmly refuse all offers of food? Should I eat myself into oblivion? Should I chain myself to the montignac food wagon and be completely obnoxiously food critical at my darling friend's party? Of course not. So what shall I do? Nibble on a sausage lar, maybe.

Oh, thank the Gods of Will Power and Dietary Health, I remember now that I have a root canal treatment to go for tomorrow morning. Looks like there will be no eating for the next week or so, much more any chomping whatsoever on more GI rich food, but the consumption of all things bland, dreary, and liquid-based. Not to mention healthy.

Ah me, Lady Atonement is here to smite down mine sins. Le guilt complex is lessening already. Maybe the inner pig will soon reduce itself to meerkat size. And, it will soon start going to Church.

One can hope, you know.

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